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The Lessons of Failure: Sometimes you win, Sometimes you lose.

/ etstrab / 2 Comments

There’s of course truth and a lesson in this song by the Shins from Yo Gabba Gabba.

But it’s okay, you try again… Do your best so you hold your head up high.

Like all worthy pursuits, especially those where the word “practice” comes into play, failure is a part of the journey. Practicing music can be full of small and large failures; the failure to execute a particular phrase in the music, or getting flustered and forgetting your solo in the middle of a recital. Small and large, failure brings with it many lessons, and those lessons benefit us in all facets of life. For those who are amateur musicians, learning those lessons while having fun with music can soften the blow, while for professionals it can come with many more ramifications, like losing a chance for career advancement or the ability to support yourself.

Let us concern ourselves with the amateurs, ourselves and our students or children in this scenario. What are they learning about failure? What should they be learning?

Failure is another stepping stone to greatness- Oprah Winfrey

  • It’s ok to fail. I’m putting this first, because I think it is the most important. Everyone fails at something some time. If you don’t, it’s either because you are one of those one in a billion people who are geniuses who are good at everything, or, more likely, you never try anything you think you may fail. In my students, and even my own children, I see us becoming a culture that is failure-adverse and it is stifling creativity and possibility. No one who has ever created anything good or beautiful got it right the first time. Authors have editors, inventors have multiple iterations of the same device, and computer programmers issue patches for their programs. If your students can sight read everything you put in front of her, you are not challenging her. You are holding her back; holding her back from failure, but also holding her back from success.
  • Failure teaches humility. It’s good to be reminded that we are not perfect and that other people may be better at something than we are. It shows us what we should work on or what we could accomplish with more work. It sometimes shows us that we may have chosen the wrong path. Humility is not shame. Failure that comes despite hard work should make us proud, but ground us in reality. Maybe I choked in my piano recital and played horribly, despite the hours of practice I put in. I should be proud of my practice, but there is a lesson I have to learn- maybe I didn’t practice enough to feel confident in my playing, or maybe I need to practice being confident (the latter is much more difficult!). No matter what, especially if I am comparing my performance with someone else’s, I should come away humbled by their success, but not jealous of it.
  • Practicing failure teaches grace. Just using the word grace seems antiquated, but it is a quality that is rarely focused on, but when you meet someone who has it, it is inspiring. By grace, I mean the ability to act in a controlled, polite, and smooth way, without awkwardness. A good musician never gives away their mistakes; don’t make a wrong note worse by adding a grimace or a shake of the head. THAT takes control. Control of the body and control of the mind. When you don’t pass the audition, you don’t pout, or complain- you learn and move on. Sometimes we have to grieve our failures, but we have to learn to do so in way that is mature and appropriate. Children have trouble with this, and we understand that, and try to comfort and calm them, and teach them skills to control and focus their reactions. When this skill has not been learned in adulthood, we get inappropriate comments on Twitter that shame the author, or millionaire rap moguls embarrassing themselves on national award shows.
  • Failure teaches determination. How many people are admired for their stick-to-it-iveness? You can’t have that trait if you don’t often fail. Failing often is a good teacher. It helps us grow, it helps us get things done. Your child is learning that at the piano right now while she is practicing that same measure over and over and continually missing the last note. Then- ah ha! She gets it! And misses a different note in the process. No matter, she is learning to stick with it until it is right. That’s a good quality to have in an employee, but an even better one in an employer. She is willing to put in the work to make herself better, which is what it takes to be successful. It’s a small lesson now, but it will pay off as the stakes are higher and she is willing to put in the work and try again and again for what she wants.
  • Failure teaches problem-solving. Every time a music student fails to play her piece correctly, she has to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. Music teachers teach many different methods to practice to refine pieces in as little time as possible. Teachers teach and students learn how to prioritize musical goals, and that is a skill that translate into prioritizing other assignments at school or work.
  • Failure teaches what success means. The better we know failure, the more we are able to recognize success in its many forms. That means, small successes, not just ones that are accompanied by awards and people telling us “good job!” There’s a satisfying feeling to perfecting the piece you are working on, even if you never play it for the audience and hear their applause. The perfection is not the gratifying part, it’s the accomplishment of overcoming the struggles that challenged us.

As parents and teachers, it is important for us to put failure into perspective for children. No one likes losing or not being able to do something that they are striving for, but it’s a part of living and learning. Children should be given opportunities to fail and succeed; they should be sheltered from neither. They need developmentally appropriate challenges so that they can grow into adults who are not afraid to reach and fail in order to succeed.

How do you talk about failure with your children?

Music Making as Social Learning

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Kids playing guitar. Licensed through creative commons.

Kids playing guitar. Licensed through creative commons.

Music is not an individual endeavor. As parents, so much of what we teach is didactic; “no, don’t do that,” “let me show you how to tie your shoe.” However, most musical learning, especially at an early age is informal and interactive. Even babies less than one year old can start to participate, meaning that you’re not making music to them, bur with them. Their clapping off the beat and making gurgling sounds is their attempt to make music with you. Humans are social creatures, and by our nature we want to socialize and feel included in a group. Making music is one way that we do that.

When you make music at home, try to make it as social as possible. That means letting everyone be able to give their input, as though you were having a conversation. Get down on the floor with your children, and let them pick an instrument for you, or pick the song that you are going to sing. Maybe they’ll make up new words to the song, or sing it the “wrong way.” Follow their lead, and give suggestions, too, but make it “our music.” Just like in social situations, you might need to mediate “musical fights,” which could be agreeing on a tempo, a volume, the songs, or instrument choice.

Make sure that your children get a chance to see how musicians play in groups. Informal concerts, like those at coffee shops or bandstands are a good chance for them to see musicians interacting with the audience. You may be able to take them to an open rehearsal, which will let them see how much work goes into playing, how the musicians have to get along, and you don’t have to worry about your child’s behavior as much as at a concert, or your ability to stay through the who show.

Music classes are a great way, even for the youngest children, to experience group music making. Making music in group is beneficial for musical learning, but also social learning. All students, even students with learning disabilities or autism, benefit from the social interaction in a musical environment. Music brings people together and gives us a way to navigate and come to accept individual differences, making us better classmates, siblings, or friends. As a teacher, I’ve seen shy children come out of their shells through music, I’ve seen children who struggled in every other subject find the joy of excelling in music. You can do this for your family, too.

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Families are made up of people with a wide variety of ages and abilities, but who can come together in music. Everyone in the family can do something musical. Maybe the infants only listen and smile while the toddlers dance and the preschoolers sing, while mom or dad plays an instrument and sings. Try to carve out a time where you can make music together as a family. If big sister is practicing a well-known piano piece, let her little brother sing along and make an impromptu duet.

Don’t let me delude you into thinking that all music-making will be happy and conflict free. There will be times when it will be difficult to get everyone together or for everyone to find their role. Working through these issues and focusing on the bigger picture of coming together to make music is what makes the experience so useful. Those problem-solving skills in a social environment help children become better friends and helpers.

So, find time to make music together and have a musical conversation. The next post will focus on how to dialog through music in a kid (and parent!) friendly way!

If you’re teaching my kid piano (drums, violin, etc), why are you singing so much?

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I often get asked about all the singing that my students do in their piano lessons, so I thought I’d write a quick response so that while your child might be learning an instrument, you know why they spend so much time singing. This will also help you guide them in their lessons.

The voice is our first instrument. We use it to express ideas, but first we used it to express feelings, and then music. Our voice is something that we internalize and becomes part of our thinking process. You read things in your own voice in your head most of the time. Young children often read aloud and some whisper to themselves or mouth the words for a long time before they learn to read silently. This silent reading is called audiating, and we do it when we read music, too.

Audiating is important to word reading and music reading, but it is very difficult to measure. So, how do I know that my students are internalizing the music on the page? I have them sing. If they can sing it, they can play it. However, with any new skill, especially one as complex as music-making, they may not be able to physically do it at first. If they can sing it perfectly, but not play it perfectly, I’ve narrowed down where they problem may lie. More than that, though, it is turning them into better musicians. They need to develop rhythm, melody, and tonal fluency and literacy in order to translate those skills into competent and expressive piano playing.

So, take your child’s singing homework (which all of my students have, as well as piano homework) seriously. Sing with them, listen to them, give them feedback. Help them check on the piano that they started and ended on the same pitch. Sing in the car, while you do chores, or walk around the neighborhood and sing those songs and patterns they are learning in their lessons. Sing their piano piece when they can’t practice at the piano. Your child will be a better student and a better musician for it!

Chime in- how do you help your child with their lesson assignments?20150327_150912

Is there such a thing as too early for music lessons?

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The short answer is no. The long answer is maybe, and I’ll explain why.

There is no age too early for musical learning (our brains are equipped to start learning music from birth), but that learning should be developmentally appropriate. Because children develop at different rates, there is no magic age to start music lessons. There are three- to four-year-olds that begin violin lessons and do extremely well. That doesn’t make it necessarily a good idea for your three- or four-year-old.

If you have dreams of your child becoming a piano prodigy, you’re going to have to put that on the backburner, because the chances of that are pretty small. However, if you envision your child taking piano lessons and coming to love music because of it, that is a much more manageable goal. That is also a goal that you can reasonably start on from birth. There are some practical ways that you can make that happen.

First of all, you are your child’s primary music teacher. If you want them to begin learning an instrument early, you have to be able to teach them. That may mean that you get lessons in whatever instrument you want your child to learn, perhaps years before they start. When they begin lessons, you will have to go with them. You will need to practice with them.

When you decide that they will start lessons, be careful about the teacher that you choose. You may think that the concertmaster of the so-and-so philharmonic that also teaches lessons is the way to go, but if that musician isn’t equipped to deal with younger students, it may not be your best choice. Find a teacher who specializes in teaching young students and your little one will be more successful.

Choose a beginning instrument. For many that is piano or violin because they are accessible to even the smallest students. Let the child get used to the instrument before beginning lessons. You want them to be excited about it before they start the hard work of actually learning the instrument. Also, be aware that the instrument that they start with may not be the instrument that they will want to play for the rest of their lives. Your child may begin violin lesson at 4, but when she gets to fourth grade, want to play trumpet in the band. You’ll have to be ok with this. After all, she’s still playing music, right?

Accept that it may be slow-going at first. Your child may just hold the instrument while you play and sing the song you are learning. They may only play a few strings or a few notes. You are going to have to find a balance between being a strict motivator and a gentle encourager. While part of this balance is to find your style of parenting/teaching, you also need to find which balance works for your children.

Each of your children may have different needs. One child may be self-motivated and find her own time to practice regularly without being told, another may need a more regimented practice schedule in order to stay on top of her assigned lessons. If you are too strict with the very self-motivated student, you may stifle her natural urge to practice and take the fun out of noodling on her instrument in peace. If you are too hands-off with your other (and I won’t say lazy, but maybe less diligent) child, they won’t get the push they need to discover how much they love playing. If you discover the best motivation style for your child, be sure to share that with your teacher, she can use that knowledge to help your child progress.

No matter the age, make music fun! Music is supposed to be a joyous, social experience; explore group classes, go to concerts, let your children try different instruments! Sometimes finding balance with different activities is difficult, so if they need to give music a break for a while, don’t be discouraged. Many children who start lessons early, find that maybe the first instrument that they tried wasn’t for them, or perhaps they weren’t ready to commit to practicing, or even that their first teacher wasn’t a good match. While I don’t advocate quitting, I think it is important for children to explore all of their interests without having to make life-long commitments. Just like with practice- try, try again!

Do you have any insights on how to begin early music lessons? Any other questions about beginning your child on an instrument? Please chime in with a comment!

How to get the most out of your Early Childhood Music Class

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So, you’ve signed up for an early childhood music class. Whether you chose one of the most popular programs, like Music Together, Kindermusik, Musikgarten, or something else entirely, you want to make sure to get the most bang for your buck. After all, you may only be able to participate in one semester or year before you’re trying dance, gymnastics, or sports with your little ones, or the money it costs becomes a burden on your family. Here’s a list to help you make those weekly lessons last a lifetime.

Sofia and Lila play row your boat
Licenced under Creative Commons © Noam, Jemima, & Lila on flickr
  • Go to class: This might seem like a no-brainer, but if you don’t treat class like a priority, your children won’t treat it like one either. Try to find a class that fits your schedule, which can be tough with preschool, naps, other activities, and not to mention untimely childhood illnesses. However, I think it is worth molding your schedule around a once-a-week class. Infant naps can be unpredictable and changeable, but you’re still only on the hook for class once a week. Try to do everything you can to make it. Bring your sleeping baby, even if it’s just you and the baby. You’ll probably feel awkward, but the baby is still becoming acculturated to music, and you’ll get to learn the songs and activities. You’ll then be able to replicate those activities at home, but not if you didn’t learn them in class first! If baby gets cranky and you have to leave, that’s ok. If you have to spend the whole class nursing, it’s fine! They are still benefiting from being in class.
  • Learn the songs. I know it’s almost like having homework, but it’s worth it to familiarize yourself with the songs so that you can fully participate in class. It also allows you to enjoy the songs on the CDs spontaneously, without having to make sure you have the CD handy! If your children are old enough to learn the songs, getting them comfortable with singing the songs gives them more confidence with participating in class, so then you feel like they are getting the most out of it.
  • Bring fed and rested kids to class. Again, probably a no-brainer, but your child can’t enjoy class if they are tired or hungry. Try to shift your schedule to fit the class and give it your all. Maybe music class day is not a good day to go to the pool from 10am-2pm. Have a snack before class so children are full and ready to sing and play.
  • Steal your teacher’s ideas. Did the teacher plan an activity that your children absolutely loved? Recreate it! If there was a certain prop, ask her where to buy it or make a version for use at home. Sing the song and play the way you did in class. Do you like the new lyrics that the teacher made up? Use them yourself. Don’t worry, we won’t sue. Sing the tonal patterns that you learned in class with your children after you finish singing the song together. Start singing directions at home and see how much faster your children clean up! Copy the body percussion the teacher used during the rhyme. You’ll make music at home more fun, and you’ll be connecting what you do in music class to music-making at home for your children.
  • Put in requests to your teacher. Your teacher has a lesson plan for class, but she might be able to fit in a round of your favorite rhyme or song. If she can’t get it into that day’s lesson, I guarantee she’ll try to fit it in more lessons than she would have otherwise, just because she knows you and your children like it. If your teacher doesn’t normally take requests, maybe send her an email letting her know the songs and activities your children appreciate most.
  • Have fun! If your children see you having fun, they’ll have more fun, too. It will also show them how much you love music.
  • Give it time. While participating in early childhood music classes will have long-term benefits for your children’s musicality and brain growth, the products of this education might not manifest themselves quickly. Your child might be badly behaved during class, or maybe they don’t participate at all during the lessons. There is usually something behind this that the child is working through. You may have to take a break from music classes for a while, but I urge you to try again. Maybe when your child has become more comfortable with his singing voice, or maybe she is more comfortable around new people. If you started in the Fall, sing those songs at home all year long, then come back in the Fall of the next year and maybe they will be happy to sing and dance to those songs. Some children just need more time. You wouldn’t pull them out of kindergarten for being shy or getting into trouble once in a while, so don’t halt their musical education! If a class environment isn’t suited to your child’s needs, try to adapt the songs and activities to your life at home. If you’re not sure how, ask your teacher! I’m sure she won’t mind helping, even if you’re not enrolled. Most of us are passionate about music and education, and wouldn’t miss the chance to help a child make music!

I hope these tips were helpful. Do you have any more tips to add from your experiences in early childhood music classes?